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Reviews
Being the Ricardos (2021)
Great film, great miscast
Why oh why, was a famously vivid face like Lucille Ball cast with a notoriously dead face like Nicole Kidman?!
And that is on top of Nicole Kidman being utterly unable to do comedy.
Respect (2021)
Could have been so much better
... with an actual actress and singer in the lead, instead of a glorified tv karaoke contest winner.
Chick Fight (2020)
This movie has Bella Thorn in it. Questions?
Me, one: how are people keep confusing it with a good idea to hire Bella Thorn for their movie?
Tomb Invader (2018)
This is the Trump of movies
Oh wow! I demand legal consequences for everybody who was involved in the production of this. They should be put on a blacklist. A lifelong ban from anything remotely resembling a film production. Not even a 10 second instagram clip.
Hagazussa (2017)
This is not a slow paced film, it's a filmed standstill
About half an hour into the film it gives up to tell a story and becomes a picture album. I've read the film took 4 years to make with a one year brake in-between. Makes you wonder if you have just seen the intermediate state where they took all the filmed material they had so far, strung it together for the sole purpose of achieving a length of circa a 100 minutes and call it a finished movie.
Avengers Grimm (2015)
Beware, Asylum mockbuster
Best practice with Asylum flicks: run away in the other direction! And scream while running away, to warn others.
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017)
Cara Delawhatever plays the lead in this movie. Do you need to know more?
A onepercenter spawn whose daddy bought her a model career. A director who waived his own salary aka: in dire need of financing his film. Connect the dots.
I was not expecting "12 angry men" but this is a bad joke. The rating and positive critics here, i assume that's the 150.000 fan-bots daddy bought for his little princess to boost her projected film career.
Bunker of the Dead (2015)
The producers of this video should all be sent to bed early without supper
The producers of this video - cause that's not a movie - should be sent to bed early and without supper.
... assuming they are 13 year olds.
I refuse to believe adult persons were involved in the making of this. Cause if so, that would be the only horrifying factor of that video.
I'm done now with my review.
IMDb is forcing me to write a couple more lines. By the time i have reached the line quota i will have put more work and effort in this review than everybody in this film, crew and participants alike - i refuse to call them actors like i will not call this video a film - have invested to make the video.
Can i click the submit button now? How about now? Oh come on are you f...ing kidding me?!
Anaconda: Offspring (2008)
It's got THE HOFF in it. Questions? Remarks? Nobody? Yupp, i thought so.
OK, this is such a load of horse poo i give it a minus 1. So bad and cheap and again bad it is actually not even funny. Filmed in east Europe but failing east Europe standards - that says a lot. The entire film budget probably would not last for producing half a bay watch episode. Note the elegant transition because this brings us right to ...
And then there's the thing where this movie has THE HOFF in it, which counts automatically for 3 points. Making a total of 2 points.
I take it all warnings to watch this crap are in vain because YOU MUST HAVE THE HOFF! And right you are.
Trust in THE HOFF, THE HOFF is good.
Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007)
Absolutely outstanding bad
Ooouw..K, there are a lot of contemporary movies where the phrase "worst movie i have ever seen" springs to mind. It's just, i have not in a really long time been so confident, that phrase is not short of being adequate when i saw this flick.
Let me pick one detail and one detail only - i don't even want to begin and go any further:
Apparently all dialog is not recorded on location but ADR (post-synchronised). This has been done so obviously and horribly bad it would make the proverbial Albanian TV-daily-soap producer writhe in agonizing pain. In terms of film production craftsmanship, this movie would fail Albania TVs bottom-line requirements.
The Omen (2006)
I'll make it quick
Seldom if ever a tiny detail tells you pretty much everything there is to know about an entire movie. In this case it is the films astounding theory:
the European Union heralds the devils resurrection.
Of all the obvious sh** going on in the world of 2006 they came up with THIS as a sign of the apocalypse? Take a moment and say it with me - the magical three characters: W.T.F.?!
And that is all there is to say about that remake of Omen. As far as predictable catastrophes go (meaning: contemporary remakes of 70-ies classics) it takes the new lead.
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)
There should be an IQ-rating for films
While the first Resident Evil movie is actually watchable - based on a video game which itself is based on a film-script by George A. Romero who happens to be a renowned master of horror films - this here, the sequel, is just another example of the walking abortion that is the computer-game-to-film genre. (Maybe i just don't get the concept: they're fun to play but what's the point of watching a computer game on film?)
Said genre is enjoyable only for those who's IQ is between shoe size and room temperature. If otherwise you are a remotely intelligent life-form: move along - nothing to see here.
Hostel (2005)
Cheap piece of crap
Is Tarantino broke or has he become greedy beyond reason? Giving his name (and his name solely) for this disgusting piece of hooey. And i don't mean disgusting as in shocking splatter and gore - i mean disgustingly bad and cheap.
The first half has you thinking "slow build-up, get over it, in time we'll get there". But just when the story finally should start ... it get's real bad! The second half redefines the term "predictable". Every move or minute - you see it coming half an hour before. Except maybe the end because there is none. The story just - stops (which is likely what you hoped for at this time. So, second thought: by the time your intelligence has been utterly insulted, even this kind of none-ending is predictable).
Ironically: the most realistic detail in this film would be that the average(!) girl in Bratislava (been there several times) is in fact a breathtaking beauty. But then again they are quite crafty and they smell a dumb square 10 miles against the wind. By accident *Hostel* got at least that part right. ;-)