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Reviews
Babel (2006)
Awful garbage disguised as Art.
The little respect I had left for Hollywood is gone.
This is the most absurd, empty, exploitative, stupid, manipulative and ridiculously overrated piece of crap I've ever had the disgrace to watch.
An homage to poor storytelling. Boring, irrelevant stories loosely connected.
There is not the slightest resemblance with the reality Inarritu is trying to resemble.
Just a series of absurd, unfortunate, unexplained, boring and UNRELATED events caused either by stupidity, sheer negligence or absolute absence of common sense
Are we supposed to feel compassion for extreme idiocy or moronic irresponsibility ???
Let's Start with the Plot holes:
WARNING!! SPOILERS!!
There is no Ambulances, Doctors, nurses, even a Band Aid or Alcohol in Morocco.
A TOURIST BUS touring in the middle of nowhere and they didn't carry an stupid first Aid kit or Emergency supply!!!
(You can find BASIC medical help even in the Arctic)
But...
...they have the best, fastest and more efficient POLICE on the Planet!!!!
They got to the Crime scene in SEVERAL fast 4X4 SUVs, found an UNREGISTERED weapon's owner (It was a gift from a Japanese Hunter( In Morocco??) to an ignorant, dirty and primitive Shepperd) in a remote, poor rural and unpopulated zone, with almost no evidence and...
...in in matter of few hours they found the "terrorists".
But
They couldn't contact, talk or actually see the VICTIM,
Not to mention they couldn't send a stupid Ambulance or a nurse to assist the main protagonist of the "HYPER RELEVANT TERRORIST THREAT" :
THE VICTIM!!
And
How did the Moroccan Government now a Crime was committed if they even didn't see the VICTIM????
And the Moronic Husband, for some absurd reasons, choose to place his mortally wounded wife in some dirty pigsty with strange people, smoking some kind of Arabic Dope (oohh!! That strange people) in some lost town in the Desert rather than resume the trip on the Bus and seek Help.
Why this idiot is holding the Bus while he waits for help is a mystery.
What's the point of this absurd tale?? What's happening between that couple?? How did they end??
What relevance had this stupid story???
Oohh!!
The Illegal (YES, is, ILLEGAL ) Mexican Nanny, who deeeeeeeeeply loves the American children she cares since they were born, but didn't hesitate to take them out to Mexisco for his son's wedding without permission of their parents and, later, coming back to the U.S. in a car with the drunken cousin driver and the two children, crossing the U.S. Border point of surveillance in the middle of the night!!
Only a retard or a seriously mentally sick person would do that. This is plain unbelievable.
For some stupid reason, She couldn't wait till the next morning, or at least for the cousin to sober up or ask one of the 100 relatives she was with to spend the night there or to drive Her back.
She chose to risk her life (and the children's lives) instead.
To worsen the things the drunken retard Cousin, at the first sign of trouble, ran away from the Border Patrol and had the BRIGHT idea of ABANDONING HER AUNT AND THE TWO CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT WITH A FLASHLIGHT!!
OOHH!
A father giving to children (not even teens!) a high power rifle and leaving them on their own.
Please...
Imagine saying this to your 9 year old "Hey Son, take my loaded Magnum and go out to play"
Not only are the stupidest decisions I've ever seen (even in a fictional movie) but CRIMINALLY NEGLIGENT and punishable by law.
Am I supposed to feel sorry for such an incredibly idiotic act of sheer stupidity and negligence??
The deaf Japanese Girl behaves more like a nymphomaniac retard rather than a vulnerable, emotionally troubled girl.
What's wrong with this girl?
Are Deaf Japanese Girls also retards or so desperately love hungry they would get laid with ANYONE,??
What's wrong with his father?
What's the trouble, the profound story behind?
And the frontal nude scene of a starved Japanese teenager is totally unnecessary. Inarritu could have said the same (that is NOTHING) without this pathetic scene. Also the 9 year old moroccan child masturbating and the Hen killing.
Inarritu must be laughing in secret with Arriaga at the artsy fartsy snobs who liked this farce and nominated him for awards.
The Lost City (2005)
People who gave more than one star to this stinker doesn't know what a good movie is.
First of all, I'm a Cuban, my father is a Cuban, so was my Grandfather.
And I despise Castro's regime.
One thing is to hate Castro's regime and another different thing is to say this movie is good.
I believe that people who gave more than one star to this poor turkey is speaking and writing out of political passion, not from a cinematic point of view.
I'm not going to criticize the poor and incomplete portrayal of the politics and reality of this movie,s vision of Cuba (I never saw a poor black guy or a Cane plantation worker in this movie, like Cuba was Disneyworld) This movie, AS A MOVIE, sucks donkey.
The main character is implausible, stereotypical and unreal (and bad acted to boot) First of all, is simply ridiculous that a Nightclub owner was the son of a intellectual University professor. Worse, a romantic night club owner with strong family principles and a passion for Classic Ballet!!.
In this lamentable parody of a movie, Garcia is a poor, pathetic and full of clichés caricature of a Puritan Casablanca's Bogart, better suited for films like AIRPLANE or SPY HARD.
Come on!!! Like it or not, EVERYBODY knows that, despite all the flamboyancy and quality of the spectacle, Pre-Castro Cuba's was a Maffia's paradise (As it was Las Vegas), and the Nightclubs were Luxury Bordellos with strong ties with the Maffia and any kind of Thugs and lowlifes (IF NOT DIRECTLY OWNED BY THEM), where, prostitution and illegal activities of all kinds were a commonplace.
And GAMBLING WAS ABSOLUTELY LEGAL IN PRE-CASTRO CUBA (still is in most of the Caribbean islands) so there was NO reason (other than pathetic soap opera moralism) for Fico to not fulfill Lansky's wishes.
The pathetic and unreal portrayal of a humble, nice and easy going Meyer Lansky is simply ridiculous.
The real Meyer Lansky was a though MAFIA BOSS, a ruthless murderer and one of the MOST powerful figures in Maffia's History, who didn't ask for favors.
In fact, He wouldn't had paid a personal visit to a stupid Club owner.
And NOBODY would say NO to Meyer Lansky so easily.
AH!! The Writer ( poorly played by a painfully miscast Bill Murray) is one of the most unnecessary, annoying and unfunny characters in cinema history since JAR JAR BINKS.
You take out Bill Murray's parts from this crappy movie and nobody wouldn't notice the smallest change.
This character has no impact at all in the entire movie, other than spitting unfunny and out of place one liners.
The "writer" is just annoying and unnecessary filler.
The rest of the characters are totally forgettable, severely undeveloped and incredibly unsympathetic.
There is no reason, background or origin for any of the character' s actions.
For example, Luis spouse (Ines Sastre) who played a simple wife who didn't show no political background, opinion or interest, who wasn't involved in any kind of political movement AT ALL who didn't know nothing about her husband's secret political activities during the entire film suddenly, out of nothing, in a blink of an eye becomes the quintessential symbol of Castro's revolution and his most powerful advocate, just because she was the wife of an "in the closet" revolutionary.
Pathetic.
The weak stories never gets to a developed state.
Ther is no conclusive moments. All the movie looks like a perennial first chapter of a very boring soap opera To worsen things, the movie is excruciatingly long and slow.
Special mention has to be made to Eduardo's revolutionary beard, a Landmark in the annals of the cheap looking make-up art in film history, only found in B or Z movies.
It looks like a cheap Halloween "werewolf" beard from PARTY CITY.
The only OK (Not fantastic, just OK) thing about this movie is the photography.
The Music was great.
But this was a MOVIE, not a CONCERT.
EEEEECH!! The Dialog!!! What can I say? There is one scene in which the conversation looks like it was entirely made out of SLOGANS and phrases taken from a clichéd political campaign scrapbook.
I'm sorry Andy, but your labor of love SUCKS.
Maybe next time.
Secuestro express (2004)
A cheap, awful, low and execrable exploitation movie . What a shame..
This movie is simply an offensive, unreal and exploitative movie made by a Cheap Tarantino rip off, who didn't hesitate to sell out his country culture to get a shameful pass to Hollywood..
Jakubowikz is even lower than the characters depicted in his awful piece of cinematic dung.
It portraits Caracas (and Latin America by rebound) as a horrible and inhospitable hellhole of drugs, constant street violence and utterly corrupt and extremely putrid Cops (and Military) , with nothing redeeming and not a trace of law and order at all.
The stupid, unreal kidnappers depicted here justify their actions by pointing out that most of the country is starving, like it were an excuse to commit crime and behave sadistically.
"Gangsta" Robin Hoods, what an original idea !!
Is full of cheap clichés and unreal characters:
1.- An unbelievable middle Class "Social Justice warrior" street lowlife with a "heart of gold" , associated with
2.-The two little-better-than-animals, sadistic "ghetto-Gangsta" insufferable stereotypes.
Dark skinned and extremely poor, of course. The darker a guy is, the worse.
3.- The "poor little rich girl cliché" who volunteers at a public clinic and loves the "poor and the pauper" but also likes to party wildly, swallow tons of pills and several other drugs (a cross between Mother Theresa and Sid Vicious) AND, inexplicably, is deeply in love and ENGAGED with
4.- An incredibly shallow, insensitive, inhuman, unmoral, cocaine-loving, unlikable, twisted sociopath, stupid, antipathetic upper class boyfriend.
There's some unreal situations:
After a five year relationship and in a matter of few hours, Martin, the creepy Boyfriend:
1.- Goes "out of the closet" and, in a hateful and Homophobic manner, he sodomizes (and enjoys it!!) a gay drug dealer who just saved his life (and who happens to be an old friend!!) in a middle of a death threatening situation, with his five-year-relationship fiancée left alone with the thugs, with both of their lives at stake.
It takes a mindless, utterly twisted inhuman pervert in hard drugs to have that kind of behavior in a situation like this.
2.-After being caught in the middle of the despicable Homo act , The creepy boyfriend is RIDICULED by his own loving girlfriend, who joins the three thugs in the mocking and in a small drug party, like they were old, good friends!! Totally believable, Yeah, right
3.- After a five year loving relationship, He doesn't hesitate to cowardly abandon his fiancée in the hands of the thugs at the first opportunity he has to escape and without asking for any help.
Not even Jeffrey Dahmer would do that.
4.- There are thousands of taxis and Buses in Caracas, but He chose to escape precisely the one the thug's accomplice is driving. What a coincidence.
5.- Absolutely all the Police force in Venezuela is utter corrupt, even worse than the criminals they pursue. And the military officers and soldiers are all gays. I wonder how Venezuela still exists.
The "acting" of this cinematic excrement consists basically in:
a) Point guns to a head. Every five seconds. b) Make rape and execution threats. Also every five seconds. c) insults, cheap drug and sex jokes and swearing. All over the movie. d) Beat and be beaten. 89% of the movie. e) Venezuelan alienated and low "Gangsta slang" e) And, mostly, an individual and extraordinary effort to be as unlikable and cliché as possible.
There is also an embarrassing, pitiful and self humiliating Ruben Blades cameo. If he needed the money so bad, He would better off singing.
This movie IS NOT a socio-political drama and , despite the film's pretensions to social relevance, there is nothing to be learned here and no pleasure to be had.
It also doesn't offer nothing new to film-making, The style is a compendium of Tarantino-Rodriguez pulp rip offs and more-than-exploited post-production Timewarps and Freeze frames, all wrapped in a NOISY (not grainy, NOISY, video gives noise) Envelope. Nothing original.
Just a very bad, derivative, sensationalistic, exploitative and utterly low piece of crap.
Venezuelan people should be ashamed of themselves to glorify this stupid, alienated, offensive and unreal vision of his own country. I bet my life that most of them never have been robbed, don't live in Venezuela, never been in a Venezuelan ghetto or never have met poor people.
They don't deserve to be Venezuelans. They don't deserve to be citizens of any country.
Some guy wrote in one of the glorifying reviews that the absurd and sensationalistic Plot is "100% REAL". Maybe He'd like to hatefully sodomize a Gay guy while both his and her girlfriend's lives are at stake.
Or maybe He already did it.
This exploitation movie is Venezuelan (And Latin American) cinema, pride and dignity at his lowest.
BTW, The miserable, sold-out, Tarantino cheap rip off Director IS A LIAR, He has NEVER been Kidnnaped, He LIED to gain Publicity and to Justify and to give "social relevance" and "reality" to his repugnant,vile and UNREAL excuse of a movie.
When the movie debuted in Venezuela, He pointed that He had never been Kidnapped. He changed that story later, because of the limited and undeserved media hip.
I'm sure that if He were been kidnapped, and the movie were really inspired on His adventure and faithful to the facts, the Homo episode would have been different, something like all the thugs sodomizing the male Hostage. And the latter enjoying it.
Mia Maestro shows She can act, is really a shame she was part of this repulsive abomination.
PLEASE, don't believe this atrocious movie, Venezuela is much more than that.
Is not ONE out of ten, is ZERO out of ten. Less than ZERO.
Battlefield Earth (2000)
Battlefield Earth has created a new genre on his own : retard fiction
This movie is an example that perfection (in a bad way) in some cases can be achieved in real world.
This is the best planned, yet non-planned, mountain of putrid fecal matter ever touched the celluloid.
No detail is left or forgotten. His awfulness is taken care of to minimalistic levels like never before in the movie industry.
Is like this movie was carefully planned by the top twisted minds of the world to be the ultimate perfection in ineptitude, nonsense, idiocy and bad film-making.
Ed Wood in his worst moments would have done a better film with 70+ million dollars.
Actually, You have to put a lot of effort to make something worse than this abomination.
The script would be rejected by Troma films Janitors in a second.
The acting is simply EMBARRASSING.
The Plot is offensively stupid. And the screenplay is even worse.
A blind Kangaroo on LSD would do a better camera job.
And, finally, the Director should fake suicide, have plastic surgery and change his identity.
I'm surprised that this guy Christian could get something better than a bad soft-porn movie gig after this Dud.
John Travolta (and his "Dianetic" powered blindness) has made a solid landmark of absolute idiocy in film-making history with this hideous homage to visual excrement.
John, You won't be forgotten.
At least "Plan 9" and "Manos" had the no-budget excuse, and those movies were fun and entertaining.
B.E. is not as funny, is more an exercise of mindless self destruction.
How someone with a 70+ million bucks budget could give birth to this atrocious and boring piece of cheap dung? That's a crime against Humanity.
In terms of a Budget to Results ratio, this is, by far, THE WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIMES.
And this place will be hard to beat.