Reviews

Farmhouse begins as a pretty run-of-the-mill revenge flick, about a couple fleeing San Diego as they owe a lot of money and lost their son. We're treated to the details through a bunch of tedious flashbacks, which still manage to be vague, so we never really know what is going on. They crash their car, and wind up at a farmhouse, home of the lovely and criminally underused Kelly Hu, and her husband.

First of all, the guy who plays Chad is a terrible actor. I haven't seen such poor use of facial expressions, and downright cowardliness on display in quite sometime. He's just really pathetic in every possible way.

Anyone remotely familiar with horror can guess where the plot is going once we find out about the debt the couple are in. They go off the road in the middle of nowhere, (as they love to repeat). But, low and behold, help is in the home of the debt collectors nearby! The farmhouse couple are rather nasty, and punish the other two quite a bit. Nothing fascinating happens, but Kelly Hu plays a very good bitch, and the cheese grater may be this decade's hobbling. There are some mild nods to demons, with names such as "Lilith", "Samael" and "Alal". But, trust me. You won't even begin to fathom where this is headed.

The people behind this obviously thought murder for money wasn't risky enough, so they decided to incorporate the ever failing plot twist: "They're dead!", and add purgatory and demons into the mix. It sounds kind of clever, and maybe it could have been if it wasn't executed so poorly. But it's completely unsatisfying, the cgi is embarrassing, and it doesn't really make much sense.

1. I think demons straight from Hell could come up with some better torture than they did.

2. Kelly Hu is above this crap, and needs to fire her agent.

3. The ending isn't shocking, even though I didn't see it coming. It's just ridiculous, devoid of any true resolution.

Only bother with this if you REALLY can't find anything else to rent.

What's this, you say? An anthology-style horror involving a killer clown and Katheryn Winnick? I'm in. Unfortunately, by the third segment, I had stopped caring. By the end I was just disappointed, and not even remotely amused. So; we have an anthology of sorts, revolving around three girls who were best friends during elementary school.

Originally, I thought the first entry was the weakest, and most ridiculous. Now I've realised that the final act is tied for the 'prize'. Anyway, we meet the first girl named Shelby, who is driving long-distance with her speed enthusiast boyfriend. They join a convoy; and a whacked-out passenger in the van driving in front, hurls herself out of the window and onto their windscreen. The trucker zooms off, leaving Shelby and another driver to tend to the death wish chick...whilst Shelby's beau follows the trucker to take down his plates.

Here is where it gets nonsensical. The trucker appears to attempt to run pretty boy over; who swerves his car and gets his wheels jammed momentarily. Trucker guy races back to the scene, followed by pretty boy about five seconds later. He manages to crash into some discarded tractor, leaves the wreckage, and finds the good Samaritan driver lying on the road looking a bit worse for wear. Pretty boy asks good Samaritan where his girlfriend is, good Samaritan replies "He took them! He took your girl and that lady!" Pretty boy responds with a very half-hearted "What?" Meanwhile, my brain is telling me that this, is quite frankly, bullsh-t.

Okay, let's back it up here a little, Mr. Director. You expect me to believe that this truck driver drove about 20 seconds back down the road to the scene; Somehow knocked out two perfectly able-bodied adults, threw Shelby and windshield diver in his van and took off...all in a time span of about 30 seconds before pretty boy returned? But that's not all you want me to believe, is it? Because, dear readers, as we soon discover, the girls are actually gagged and bound in good Samaritan's car. That's right. There's your little twist, about 20 minutes in. Ugh, enough of this. Next tale, please.

The second segment is thankfully, an improvement, and the strongest all round. The luscious Katheryn Winnick stars as Tabitha, who winds up babysitting her relatives. She visits her aunt's house to find that the babysitter has apparently "gone." Tabitha also hears someone walking around upstairs, but this is nothing to be concerned about, of course. Eh, later. The guest room where she will be spending the night is literally stacked with clowns. The main fixture being a life-sized, very realistic looking clown sitting in a rocking chair. I was glad to see the obvious influence the well-known urban legend had on this scene. This is a nice, creepy short. I'm not a really a fan of clowns, and the one featured here is very evil looking.

My only complaints about this: Katheryn Winnick was teasing us all in 'Satan's Little Helper' with those wondrous bosoms of hers. She begins undressing in Amusement, but gets freaked out by rocking chair clown and doesn't unleash her racktasms. Not good. Lastly, She was obviously really unsettled by the clown, so I wondered why the hell she just didn't go sleep on the couch. I know I would've. Anyway, this is fairly good and engaging, except for the lame cutaway at the end. Some violence, please?

Now we come to the final act. Here it all gets jumbled up. A couple go looking for their friend in a really massive, old hotel. (The setting is pretty impressive, I'd love to visit this hotel.) They find Tabitha sewn into a bed (Yep), there's some flashbacks to their childhood, and we see that the three girls didn't like this weird kid's cruel project, and this causes him to get "sent away." Well, now he's real mad, but yet very amused. He's also a skilled imitator, as he plays a geeky driver, a psycho clown, an FBI agent; (He's real good at this one, he manages to fool his own doctor.), and a mute retard.

Back to the present, and he has his three enemies in some underground lair, aka the set from Saw III. There aren't really any traps, unless you count a few fences, moving walls and sliding doors as traps. There was one cool scene where I thought we'd FINALLY see some good ol' gore. But like Kath's undressing, it was not to be. It was all a masquerade. You'll know it when you see it.

The ending happens too quickly for it to make any impact, but sweet kill. (BLOOD!) If you can ignore the fact that a door from his underground lair leads into his van, then maybe you'll be satisfied. In conclusion, Amusement falls flat, I'm afraid. The flashback scenes aren't fleshed out properly, and the whole interrogation scene is pretty much pointless. I'm giving it a 5 for the clown sequence, beyond that, there's honestly nothing else to see.

I'm annoyed at myself. Annoyed, because I don't have a clue how to rate this film. I ALWAYS rate films out of 10 after I've watched them. With some, I might change a rating after some thought; whether it be a point less or a point more. I'm sure that my rating for The Exorcist will fall between 5 and 7, I just don't know which one. But enough about my rating issue.

I was not expecting "the scariest film ever" when I sat down to watch The Exorcist, tonight. I feel this is important, as too often I have seen others build up a film to God-like proportions, that they go into it with the PROMISE that they will be frightened, shocked, disturbed, whatever. When the film doesn't meet their expectations, they feel that it is the filmmakers fault. Not their preconceived ideas of what the film was SUPPOSED to deliver, in their mind, at least.

Of course, it's not entirely their fault. The Exorcist is undoubtedly the most well-known, praised and notorious horror film ever. It is difficult to completely ignore the years of hype, and the ever-so widely tossed around "scariest movie ever" title. But, I did the best I could.

The Exorcist is a decently made film. I didn't have any problems with the pacing, I think it's well shot, I think all the actors fit their roles very well. I was not bored during the running time, things just weren't "clicking" with me.

Where The Exorcist falls down is the dialogue, and I'm not referring to Regan's possessed foul-mouthed rants. I thought the script was pathetically weak. Every line is just so clichéd, and uninformative. The cast work adequately with what they've got, but the dialogue is so empty. Characters don't really communicate with one another, they merely accept things and get on with it. This may work for some people, but I just find it weird, and it succeeded greatly in distancing myself from the characters and the events at hand.

And that there is my biggest problem with The Exorcist. I didn't feel involved in the plight of this girl. I didn't feel for the characters, I wasn't concerned about their well being or their fate. The best kind of film makes you feel like you are right there watching. Or better yet, experiencing it exactly with the main character(s). Inside (2007) is a good example. Watching The Exorcist, I felt like a mere bystander.

I also find the story pretty weak, and not very tightly constricted. The bulk of the film basically rests on and revolves around the possession of Reagan. So we get various visits to her room by different people. We witness her apparent "worsening" state as time goes on. I'm sure this was terrifying back when it was first released, but for me there is Nada scary in watching a 12 year old girl scream profanities. Most of which could easily come from a demon-free 12 year old boy with an attitude. Although, kudos on the, "fine day for an exorcism" line. That was a witty one. The rest, not so much. "Shove it up your ass, faggot!" gave me a smile, though.

As for the "masturbating" scene, to me it looked more like self-harm. I see nothing masturbatory about it, aside from the demon yelling "LET Jesus F!CK YOU!" Regan was bleeding, so clearly the demon wasn't forcing her to do it for the purpose of pleasure, it was to harm and shock. Which is pretty much all The Exorcist does. There is no great focus on good vs evil, which I would have liked. Instead, Friedkin just throws this possession in our face, then delivers a bunch of gross out and shock tactics, while he expects the swearing, demon-infested, stronger than Hulk monstrosity upstairs to carry the film.

Oh, and one thing that's been really bugging me. Maybe I'm missing something here, maybe I'm just stupid, but how on earth did the demon artifact get from Iraq to the steps outside Regan's house? Are we not supposed to know? Are we meant to assume that the demon itself transported the object with its demonic superpowers? Did Father Merrin drop it? Maybe I'll never know.

One thing I do know is that I certainly don't think this is the scariest film ever, but I don't hate it either. It's competently made, but it will never be a favourite of mine, and I wouldn't consider it a brilliant film. I think that The Exorcist is a perfect example of its reputation exceeding the actual quality of the film.

It's a shame, but inevitable.

I was anticipating "The Strangers" for quite some time. A good psychological thriller that relied on suspense and skillful direction rather than gratuitous blood and violence, was and still is, exactly what Hollywood horror needs in order to redeem itself amongst die-hard horror fans.

The Strangers doesn't completely fail here, but it doesn't run away with the prize, either. It relies on suspense and atmosphere, sure. The plot revolves around a; "This could happen to you" situation. Fine.

The problem is the formula and the way in which it's executed. Home invasion type films get to me. So I admit that when one of the Strangers first started banging on the front door, I was a little freaked out. Likewise when the masked man first appears.

This was a GOOD set-up, which the director should have built upon to increase the tension and the audience's fear. But as other reviewers have stated; he doesn't. He simply uses the same methods and tricks over and over again.

It soon becomes clear to the viewer that these "Strangers" aren't just here to kill the two leads. They want to play with and terrorise them. Nothing wrong with that, it's my kind of thing. But when the most that's happened in an HOUR is the man in the mask jumping at a window and walking around the house, while, (what I presume to be), his two daughters stand at the end of the driveway and lurk in the trees REPEATEDLY, you have to start asking yourself if there's a rhyme or reason to this.

In these three Strangers we have a subdued version of the Firefly family on our hands. They avoid directly confronting the couple they're harassing and they don't speak until the end of the film. So I was both surprised and relieved when just past the hour mark; Father Stranger hurled Liv Tyler into the wall, busting her head open on a picture.

After that, we get quite a gutsy ending from a mainstream produced horror flick. I certainly preferred it to the ever so overused: "Heroine finds strength from within and fights back." Also, a nice closing line.

So, I didn't hate The Strangers by any means. There is a lot of promise in there, and I'd watch it again without hesitation. I was just looking for that bit "more." A great premise with interesting and different villains. The envelope just wasn't pushed far enough.

"Assault! Jack the Ripper" centres around a cranky waitress who has a chip on her shoulder and a nerdy, submissive cake decorator who both work at the same restaurant. One night, their worlds collide when they have a run-in with an insane hitchhiker (whose bizarre performance rivals that of Edwin Neal in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre as far as insane hitchhikers go). Our protagonists soon discover that they can only become aroused by stabbing pretty young women in the vagina.

Their new found hobby becomes an obsession, that soon leads to an interesting role reversal. Primarily, the waitress being the driving force behind the murders, and her accomplice complying silently. Once the waitress realises her boyfriend has been having some "fun" without her, she becomes possessive and dependent on him. Events soon take a turn for the worst...

"Assault!" is incredibly stylish and well made. I really liked the Jazz/slightly noir soundtrack, which seemed an unusual choice at first but soon felt appropriate. The acting is top notch, and the violence comes thick and fast. Recommended to those new to Pinku and fans of exploit.

I had heard a lot about this notorious CAT III over the last two years. How brutal and shocking it was, how I had never seen anything like it. The Untold Story certainly blew me away. It's visceral and graphic in a way that only an Asian film would have the guts to be and get away with it. It's also superbly done.

The Untold Story is not a straight horror film. At its core, it's a crime thriller. A game of cat and mouse between the police and the killer. There is also a comedic "sub-plot" so to speak. This is one film that definitely lived up to its reputation for me. Untold Story does not shy away from depicting controversial subject matter. Including but not limited to: chopstick rape, child murder, urine drinking and severe police brutality.

Show this to anyone who claims that they have seen it all or if you consider yourself jaded and need a jolt.

Logic has never been a driving force behind any of Lucio Fulci's work, but I can say without uncertainty that House by the Cemetery is an incoherent mess even by his standards. The acting, dubbing and all round quality of this film is atrocious, but in a campy way. I honestly can't take House by the Cemetery seriously in any way whatsoever, and I don't think Mr Fulci did either.

The "plot" is basically irrelevant, as it makes little sense and doesn't go out of its way to make any sense. Norman (no idea what he does for a living) moves to the house by the cemetery with his dim wife Lucy and his son Bob the brat (or spawn of Satan) to discover what made his colleague flip his lid and hang himself. What follows is basically bad filler material, broken up by people occasionally getting graphically murdered and the showdown in the basement. What Fulci does very well is gore. What he's not such a deft hand with is dialogue, coherency, character and story development. Take the introduction of the foxy babysitter Ann, for instance. Ann simply walks into the house and exclaims that she is the babysitter. For all Lucy and Norman know, she's just walked in off the street and has never babysat in her life. But they decide she's good enough and let her do the job. Welcome to lack of logic and development!

Another example of this is that more than once it is strongly alluded to that Ann is aware of the killings and is possibly involved. Norman awakes one night to loud bangs coming from somewhere in the house. He finds Ann in a room pulling bricks out of the wall, and satisfied that it's not something more sinister, leaves her to it. Bear in mind that she was hired only yesterday and they have never met her before.After the estate agent is killed very bloodily, Lucy finds Ann cleaning the blood off the floor. By now we're certain that Ann knew there was a murder. Otherwise why would she be getting rid of the evidence before anyone else is awake? She's only the babysitter, after all. But even with this interesting subplot going on, Fulci takes it absolutely nowhere. Ann is killed in a brilliant scene that will have gore-hounds cheering.

I know it may seem like I'm just picking at the inconsistencies but the flaws are what made it bearable for me. House by the Cemetery is extremely amusing. Every scene the little girl appeared in, had me rolling with laughter. What was WITH her sudden switch from an American accent to really bad Italian? Then we have Doctor Freudstein, the fiend in the basement who looks like Jason Voorhees on a bad day. He also walks with the speed of an old guy with severe arthritis who just drank thirty beers. On the plus side for old Freudstein, I wouldn't want to bump into him in a dark alley.

Onto what I did think was very well done...the gore, of course. The murders are brutal and protracted in pure Fulci style. In conclusion, House by the Cemetery is everything that casual horror viewers will detest, but Italian horror and Fulci fans will devour it. Then there's slightly jaded fans like myself, who will see the humour in this and know that a really bad horror film is still anything but.