Reviews

Trash cinema comes in many forms. Funny, shocking, confusing, offensive, scary. And then there's Gummo, which, I guess, is a mixture of all that, and also, just plain pointless. But hey. Not all movies need a point to be entertaining, or to gain a cult following. A fact which makes writer/director, Harmony Korine a very lucky man. Because, even after watching his masterpiece (?), I'm still not convinced this guy has all that much talent. But he does have some pretty unique stuff going on in his head. And above all, that's what Gummo is. Whether it's a good movie or not is debatable, but let's just go with unique at the moment.

About a town full of backwards, hateful dicks who have simply given up on ever being anything. A bad tornado hit this town some years ago, and things were seemingly never fully restored. Ignorant, aimless and bored, these hateful dicks love killing and torturing cats, running their mouths about nothing, getting it on with retards and just hanging around and being trash. Some of them get in fights with chairs. Some of them even win. Hell, some of them enjoy eating spaghetti whilst getting their hair washed. But I don't think any of them are very happy people. And they'd probably prefer to live somewhere else, but are too lazy and stupid to take the steps to do so.

The movie seems to revolve mostly around some ugly little pussy kid who's probably an ass hole, yet, we don't get very many examples of this. The kid pumps iron, using handfuls of spoons, and apparently needs his mother to bath him. There's also some other little weirdo kid, wearing a pink bunny hat, and wandering around in his own little world. I'm not sure what he symbolizes, if anything, but like everyone else, he's just there, existing. Despite everything I've said so far in this paragraph, There's something very real about this movie. And surreal at the same time. It almost comes off as some kind of bleak documentary about a small town full of trash, where a bunch of stuff happens.

As a lifelong cat lover, I find it hard to watch a cat get hurt or killed, even in a movie. But strangely, I see the treatment of felines in Gummo as somewhat fitting for the characters, as they just naturally feel the need to bully and destroy the only thing they see as beneath them. Adding to this perfect portrayal of hateful, pathetic trash.

After despising the abomination that is Spring Breakers, I thought I'd give Harmony Korine one more chance to prove himself not a talentless POS. And much to my surprise, I'm glad I did. I think I actually get Gummo, and even have an appreciation for it. However, I could easily see someone hating this as much as I hated the obnoxious Spring Breakers, because one thing Gummo (and Spring Breakers as well) is not is a likable movie. Seemingly no story, with just a bunch of random scenes put together, showcasing these hopeless citizens and their attempts at killing time and, I guess, having fun. But if you look a little closer, it's clear that these people's behavior tells the story. loud and clear. And it's not a pretty one. Of course, this is not the most entertaining movie I've ever seen, but I'll give Korine one thing. Gummo is far more entertaining than it should be. 6/10

All good things must come to an end. And in 1972, Herschell Gordon Lewis, the creator of the gore film, and innovator of graphic violence in cinema, had his last hurrah. Well, at least his last one for a very, very long time. More on that, later, but unaware to Lewis at the time, this would be it for his active film career. And despite my opinions on this film, I have to admit, the old man went out with a bang. The Gore Gore Girls is a first in several different areas. This is Herschell's first gore film which has profanity other than a "damn" here and there, as well as the first to show nudity, and acknowledge sexuality. An obvious change in the times. Also, this was the first and last film Herschell Lewis submitted to the MPAA for a rating. And for his trouble, he was given a big, fat X, which he could have applied himself. But anyway. Yeah. Sounds like something I would really dig, but it's just not. In fact, it leaves quite the bad taste in my mouth.

Herschell's "This is a business, not art" outlook on directing is heard loud and clear throughout the entirety of this obnoxious, substance-lacking, cheese-fest. None of his movies are meant for superior brains. But this one especially seems like it's intended for only the most dimwitted of trash lovers. A bit of a precursor, if not inspiration for the modern Troma film. And of course, a pretty simple story. Strippers at a sleazy club have been getting slaughtered by a maniac at an alarming rate. A hot reporter enlists the help of private eye, Abraham Gentry, who is supposedly good enough to be a total douche bag at all times and get away with it. Uninterested and unimpressed with pretty much everything but himself, and only concerned with getting paid, the douche bag tries losing her several times. Even going so far as to get her wasted so she'll *beep* off, but this tenacious lady wants some of that, and hopes to help in this investigation if at all possible. Meanwhile, we are treated to some rather inventive murders, one of which includes the killer snipping off the tips of a woman's nipples, and filling up 2 glasses with milk. One of which comes out chocolaty. Of course it does...

While I consider this to be Herschell Gordon Lewis' most overrated (gore) film, I can understand why so many considers this the ultimate in HGL gore. Sure, it's got a lot of that. And it's a little harsher than usual, and there's a noticeable bit of puns, toilet humor and a self awareness not present in Herschell's earlier gore epics. Sounds great. It really does, but something about this movie just rubs me the wrong way. The acting, I can of course handle. But the dialogue seems to have been written by a blithering idiot, and the characters, as well as the actors themselves, were far from likable. Especially that main character, Abraham Gentry. A smart ass dick smoker with a stupid one liner waiting every 10 seconds. A character seemingly meant to be a smooth, pimp daddy who is far too bad ass to give this hot chick the time of day. Whoever wrote this garbage obviously didn't realize they were making this guy out to be more of a homo than anything else. But such stupidity does add a couple of "so bad it's good" cool points. That, along with the unusually painful looking kills, make this one far from unwatchable.

It's too bad HGL decided to take a 30 year break after getting into the advertising business. Yet, come the 80's, Herschell's old gore films would gain a new level of notoriety from a new generation, as well as from the old one, which made him the legend he is today. With the help of Mike Vraney and Something weird Video, Herschell's massive catalog would finally get the long overdue VHS (and eventually DVD/Blu-ray) releases they deserved. A preservation project the late, great Vraney would do for the memories of many great, and not so great directors of forgotten old school B-movies. The films of Herschell Gordon Lewis would become the crown jewels of Something weird. And in 2002, Herschell went on to make his first jewel in 30 years, with the long awaited sequel to Blood Feast. Blood Feast 2 All You Can Eat. A masterpiece I would much rather remember him for. And he's made another one since then, and has another one on the way. Good 'ol H.G. may be older than dirt, and he's made a lot of terrible movies, but it feels so good to have him back! 4/10

Film adaptations of TV shows rarely work. And vice versa. It's just two different worlds of mainstream entertainment which have their own separate formulas. But to attempt a big screen version of a soap opera, in my humble opinion, is usually a lost cause. Dan Curtis, creator of the popular Gothic horror soap, Dark Shadows, attempted a film adaptation a year earlier, with House Of Dark Shadows. A retelling of the original storyline of Vampire, Barnabas Collins. The show's most popular character. A good movie. A great movie, some may say. But does it really do the show, and more specifically, that storyline, justice? Not really. It's too many episodes to cover, and to anyone who is familiar with the show, the movie should seem very rushed in comparison. Like I said. A good movie. But it's flaws are there, and they're obvious, but a lot of them couldn't be helped. Fast forward a year later. Dark Shadows has been cancelled. But the movie was a hit. And I think we all know by now what happens any time a Horror film gains even a glimmer of popularity.

With the constant stress of the show no longer holding him back, Dan Curtis gathers up as many DS cast members he can and makes plans for yet another movie. Since the first one centered on Barnabas, it's only common sense that this new movie would revolve around the second most popular character, Quentin Collins. Although, Quentin's story would not be a recreation of anything. Merely a Dark Shadowsy story that might remind one of several of the show's story lines. I tend to think this was the right decision as it eliminates the possibility of the movie having to be molded after a series of events it couldn't possibly live up to.

Filmed in the same eerie old mansion as House. This was a fine choice for location, but it ain't Collinwood, but whatever. It isn't clear as to whether or not the events of the first movie actually happened from this movie's point-of-view, or if this is a stand alone story, but Collinwood is currently abandoned, which makes me think it is acknowledged. Quentin Collins, and his wife, Tracy, have inherited Collinwood and are on their way to Collinsport, Maine to collect and to live a life of luxury. And Quentin, being the painter, is looking forward to much inspiration amongst the beautifully dreary scenery. Before the couple is even settled in, the first glimpse of weirdness comes from the housekeeper. Or whatever she is. Just some person who takes care of stuff, I guess. Grayson Hall plays Carlotta Drake, who seems to know a bit much about this house, and is slightly too invested in how things go. Also, Quentin is being plagued by nightmares. Reliving memories that aren't his own. Or are they? Quentin is remembering things that happened to a man named Charles Collins, who lived at Collinwood over 150 years ago.

Charles was married to Laura Collins, but fooled around with his brother Gabriel's wife, Angelique. A witch. We witness the events which led to Angelique's hanging by a witch hunting Reverend, as well as Charles' own demise at the hands of his brother. The more Quentin has these dreams, the less he seems like Quentin. He becomes cold, distant and temperamental. He attacks and berates Tracy without provocation. We find out the ghost of Angelique is involved. She wants Quentin to be Charles, and she wants Tracy gone. This may not be the same Angelique from the show, but anyone familiar knows what Angelique wants, Angelique gets.

While Night Of Dark Shadows may not have the same problems as the first movie, that doesn't mean it doesn't have its own problems. One big problem that not only killed this movie, but the chances for a third one, is the fact that a whopping 45 minutes was ordered to be cut. Still an hour an a half long even with the missing scenes, the film was stripped of many conversations and situations which gave the film much more of a point. as well as the characters depth. Still eerie, haunting, atmosphereic and creepy, but something is clearly missing from this movie. Something about it is so empty, so lonely. As if it's in need of an extra main character. No. It's merely missing 45 minutes of story. That's all. Still very much worthwhile for a Dark Shadows fan or a fan of stuff like Burnt Offerings. An absolutely gorgeous score by Robert Cobert, which is what really saves this one for me. As I said, there was to be a third Dark Shadows movie, but after dealing with the frustration of this one, and probably a growing boredom with the world of Dark Shadows in general, Dan Curtis decided to move on to non- Dark Shadowsy projects. As with the show, fans will always be forced ask the "what if" questions about this movie. That is, as long as the film in its entirety is without release. It's not perfect by any means, but for the time being, Dan Curtis' final chapter in the Dark Shadows story will have to do. 7/10

Where do I begin? There's just so much to like and dislike about this one. It's difficult to form an opinion. First and foremost, this fifth installment (and semi-remake) of the Terminator franchise is a fun, action-packed movie which does try to give the Terminator fans everything they've wanted since 1991's Terminator 2. Well, it didn't exactly work out that way. Although, I think we can all agree that Genisys makes up for the dull, lackluster flop that was Salvation. But this one has its own problems. But one big problem they both have in common. a PG-13 rating. So, once again, we're stuck with a Terminator movie which lacks the bleak, apocalyptic tone of the first two. As well as realistic profanity, decent violence and Arnold's ass. You can't have everything. But a fun movie nonetheless. But what we have here is a movie which was designed to cash in on a (hopefully) dying reboot trend, and at the same time, attempt to not alienate the longtime Terminator fans. Technically, Termintor Genisys is a remake of the original movie. Yet, events from that movie are referenced. Therefore, this movie is no reboot.

With the exception of Salvation, all past Terminator movies are based on time travel. Yet, time travel was never a big part of the story. In this one, it is. In Genisys, we begin with what looks to be the end of the war against the machines, in 2029. The human race has defeated Skynet, who makes one last attempt at saving itself. It sends a T- 800 back to 1984. A time before John Connor was born. This T-800 has been programmed to track down and destroy John Connor's mother to be, Sarah Connor, which would erase John's existence all together. Erasing all he's done to take Skynet down. John Connor and the resistance learn of this attempt, and must quickly decide what to do. It's decided to send one of their soldiers, and John's good friend Kyle Reese, into the past to locate and hopefully destroy the T-800 and save Sarah, thus saving John, and all their progress. Sound familiar? Sure, it does. But this is where things get complicated.

Later on, in the future, there has been more time travel. Terminators have been sent back about a decade before the events of the first movie. A T-1000 has killed Sarah's parents. And before it can get to her, a T-800 is sent by an unknown person to rescue Sarah, and to remain her guardian up until the events of the first movie. This T- 800 who's known as "pops", is also training Sarah into the badass bitch we remember from T2. Okay. Well, not exactly THAT Sarah. But damn, she's hot. The point is, the Sarah Connor Kyle is expecting no longer exists, as well as the 1984 we remember from the original movie. Everything's changed. The events of the original movie, as well as everything that happened afterwards, is gone. Or I guess it still exists somewhere in another timeline. Although, I doubt it even matters because regardless of how things go in this movie, I'm pretty sure we'll never get to see how things ended up in the original timeline. Which is one of my biggest gripes about this movie.

Pops has long since filled Sarah in on how things originally played out, including the T-800 sent back to 1984, as well as the fact that Kyle is to be the father of her unborn child. But with this knowledge, and plenty of time to prepare, things can potentially go a lot smoother this time around. And for a while, it does. Sarah, and Pops, who has aged drastically since 1974, quickly take out the T- 800 before he has a chance to kill anyone. And soon, they catch up with Reese, who has ran into a much bigger problem than he expected. A T-1000 has found him, and is about to end him before an interesting twist of fate where he is saved by Sarah Connor. After lengthy discussion, filling Kyle in on exactly what the hell is going on, together, the three of them (a little too) easily dispose of the T-1000 in a very fun little scene. Well, that was easy. What next? Well, Pops has been working on a time machine, which can now be completed using the chip from the T-800. Sarah and Kyle go to the year 2017 to stop Judgement Day. But what they discover when they get there, none of us expected. That us, unless you watched the trailer and had it spoiled like pretty much everyone did.

One of the low points for me, besides the lack of violence/profanity is the new John Connor and Reese. I can live with this new John because every one of these movies has featured a different one. But the new Kyle doesn't remind me of the original even a little bit. On the other hand, the choice made to replace Linda Hamilton with Game Of Thrones's Emilia Clarke, was a wise one. She actually does look a little like Hamilton. Nice, big lips and all. She's great. Really, she is. But she's kind of portrayed as a know-it-all wise ass, who provides most of the cute one-liners. Yeah. I really miss the T2 version of Sarah. But it's not so bad. Like I said. she's got them nice, big lips. Ultimately, Terminator Genisys is enjoyable if you don't put too much thought into what they've done to the story, or compare it to the first 2 installments. Instead just be grateful they didn't pick up where they left off with Salvation. A movie so unpopular that a new beginning has been forced upon us. But hey! We've got Arnold back, as well as Sarah. Kyle Reese lives, and Nick Stahl is nowhere to be found. And despite raping the franchise, Genisys is okay with me. 6/10

Every great Horror franchise must come to and end. And for Friday The 13th, that would be part 4. "The Final Chapter" arrived in 1984. And a hell of a final chapter it was. The best of the series, some still say. This film had it all. Tits, gruesome kills, Crispin "the dead *beep*" Glover. And it was actually pretty scary. But most of all, it gave us Friday The 13th fans closure. So, anyway. By 1985, The greedy *beep* at Paramount wanted another sequel. Preferably a resurrected Jason, or possibly a returning Corey Feldman, taking over as "the new Jason". Unfortunately, neither scenario became reality. But this movie was to happen either way. Because Paramount demanded more... of something.

The original plan for Friday The 13th Part V was to bring back the kid who killed Jason. This didn't exactly go as planned due to Mr. Feldman being too busy filming The Goonies at the time. But he was available for a cameo which we see in the opening scene. It's a stormy night, and for some reason, young Tommy Jarvis is hanging out in the woods. The boy watches in terror while grave robbers dig up his worst nightmare. And continues to watch as Jason Voorhees once again rises from the dead and slaughters said grave robbers. Frozen with fear, the kid watches as Jason walks towards him with his machete which some idiot buried with him.

And just as Jason is about to get even with his destroyer, Tommy wakes up. But he's no longer Corey Feldman. He's not even a kid any more. But he is blonde, now. So, that's good. However, he's now semi-insane and on his way to a halfway house/semi-asylum called Pinehurst. That's bad. But good for us viewers. At Pinehurst, they got hot chicks, all with various breast sizes, a white- trash/hillbilly mother and son who I've next door, and look suspiciously close in age, a wise ass kid named Reggie the reckless, who happens to have a big brother named Demon, who lives near by in his van. If you ever need any enchiladas or jewelry, he's your man.

A key member of the Pinehurst gang, an unwanted sack of fat *beep* named Joey, who no one seems to have much patience for, makes the mistake of offering Vic a candy bar while he was busy chopping wood. And informing him that he's out of line when Vic yells at him. The nerve of this guy! Of course Vic is going to stick that Axe in his back and end his miserable life. How else is Joey going to learn some manners? It does suck that Joey's dead because more scenes involving him would have only added to the comedy that lies before us. But I guess he's better off dead. Although, somebody doesn't think so.

Back to the new Tommy. This guy doesn't say much of anything. And has no desire to know any of these Pinehurst weirdos. He just wants to stand around and stare at mirrors, and have hallucinations of Jason. He seriously needs to get over that. I mean, he DID win, after all I guess his presence at this place is somehow supposed to make things easier. But someone is going around killing gay greasers and coke heads using some very familiar methods. Is Jason back from the dead? Is Tommy more damaged than we thought? Is someone so annoyed by Joey's murder they they're going around killing everyone except the guy who murdered him? Now, that wouldn't make much sense.

Meanwhile, back at Pinehurst. Tommy isn't doing so well. Demon got it good in the out house, the hillbilly mother & son got sent to Heaven with Demon, Pinehurst residents are dropping like flies, and seemingly nobody else is getting laid for the rest of the movie. I sure do wish that one sex scene with Debi Sue Voorhees was still going on. But you can't beat this type of bloody 80's action. Especially now that there's a rainstorm going on now that *beep* now gotten real. just like in Tommy's nightmare. Nice touch, I think. But again. Is it Tommy who is doing this? It's starting to seem like it.

Despite being far better than it has any right to be, this film has gained an unnecessary amount of criticism over the years, and is wrongfully considered the black sheep or just the flat out worst installment of the franchise by many, simply because a certain reoccurring character took the night off. Thanks to exploitation director, Danny Steinmann, This movie does offer something a little different, though. but not too different. All the elements which we all love about the past installments are present. But with a higher body count, better/funnier characters, and a sleazy B-movie atmosphere never before seen in a Friday The 13th film. The killer even wears a hockey mask. To some, A New Beginning may have been the slump of the series, and a lazy way of making a few bucks off a once thought dead franchise. But in my opinion, this is not only one of the mast entertaining 80's Slashers out there. But arguably the last great Friday The 13th film. 7/10

The Uh-Oh Show is the 8th gore film of Herschell Gordon Lewis. And his first Florida-shot gore film since 1967's The Gruesome Twosome.A film that took far too long to get released. And when it finally did, it just didn't cut it, in my opinion. Sounds like a good one when you read about it, but as cartoonish and crazy as it is, it just falls a bit flat. This movie is about a popular game show called The Uh-Oh Show, where contestants can win big, as well as lose big. Answer correctly, and win millions. answer incorrectly, and win mutilations. An arm, a leg. Whichever bodypart it lands on when they spin the wheel, gets hacked off.

Highlights include another hilarious performance from the legendary Joel D. Wynkoop as the greedy and sadistic TV executive, Fred Finagler as well as a cameo by Troma founder, Lloyd Kaufman. Oh, and gore, of course. I appreciate what ol' Herschell was going for with this, as well as the obvious parody of TV networks and their desperation to boost ratings by any means necessary. As mediocre as most of the cast was, the eager contestants were amusing with their over the top perormances. Still grinning from ear to ear even after getting dismembered, being that they were just happy to be on TV. In a way, this is a typical HGL story, as it has the same comedic tone as classics such as Two Thousand Maniacs and The Gore Gore Girls.

This is a film I've been meaning review for the longest time, but just couldn't come up with the words. I really wanted to love The Uh-Oh! Show, but it ain't gonna happen. I even have a hard time liking it at times, if only due to the high expectations I once had. Otherwise, it's not all that bad. Just not worthy of good 'ol H.G. And certainly not a worthy follow up to Blood Feast 2. This just seems more heavily HGL-inspired than it does an actual HGL flick. Although, the same could be said about Blood Feast 2. But at least that one kicked as much ass as one would expect. It took forever for this to get a release, and once I saw it, it didn't take long to figure out why. The Uh-Oh Show is just underwhelming. It's funny, but not funny enough. It's gory, but not gory enough. It was worth watching, but it just wasn't worth the wait.

The films of Herschell Gordon Lewis have always been hit or miss. This one being a bit of a miss is nothing new. I guess we should all just be grateful to know the man is still around and still going at it. The future of the now 85 year old godfather of gore looks to be a bright one. Keep an eye out for his next gore epic, Bloodmania. Lewis' first zombie film. As for The Uh-Oh Show, any fan of the man should probably check it out, and very well may dig it more than I did. I do hope it finds an audience one of these days. The Uh-Oh Show was good, after all. Just not good enough. 4/10

I'm not made squeamish very easily. When it comes to watching anything on a TV/computer screen, it almost never phases me. But it does happen. Most recently when I watched a scat porno called Walking Toilet Bowl. It was pretty much what I expected. But I didn't expect it to be so... I don't know. *beep* up, I guess. Anyway. I have officially been phased.

I'm not a huge fan of porn of any kind, but intrigued by all that is extreme and/or *beep* up. But this one is officially too much. So, Jamie Gillis (of Water Power fame) has put out a number scat fetish porno flicks which seem to put an emphasis on the degradation of women. This particular woman was given the luxury of having a drink before enduring the atrocities which lie before her. And I can say with all honesty that she needed it. The look on Carol's face from the very beginning is proof of that.

Mr. Gillis starts off by whipping this woman's ass as a warm up. He then convinces his lady friend to get off the motel room bed and come over to him and get on her hands and knees and lick his shoes. The bottom of his shoes, which he claims has dog *beep* on them. I assume he's not kidding. Carol seems to be pretty miserable right off the bat, doing a poor job of acting enthused. She lays on the floor and touches herself while Mr. Gillis hocks loogies on her and in her mouth all the while berating her for being a toilet bowel. Carol is not pleased by this. Nor is she pleased when he starts punching her in the ass and slapping her in the face. Yet, she still seems very hungry for balls. Her hunger would not last.

And finally, Mr. Gillis takes a big fat *beep* all over Carol's chest. which is actually when this movie finally starts getting good. She lays on the floor, crying while he stands over her and masturbates, ordering her to do stuff with his *beep*. Such as rub it all over herself, On her crotch, in her vag, and yes. In her mouth. She actually managed to suck down a turd or two. As miserable as this poor woman seemed, there is a point where she apparently snaps and starts laughing hysterically at what was going on. The laughter would not last, however.

She would then be forced to do things with poopy-dildo, and rub *beep* all over her teeth and use what was left as lipstick. She's informed that she's allowed to throw up if she needs to, but miraculously never does. Even the inevitable salad tossing wasn't enough to make her toss her cookies. Kinda disappointing, yet, equally impressive. All I know is, This chick must have needed the (crack) money really, really bad! This is true bottom the of the barrel porn. For men who hate women and love *beep* only! 1/10

Here's one of the more underseen Troma movies out there. But also a fine example of a film which doesn't quite live up to its premise. And the premise being "Vampire catches AIDS". A hard premise to screw up. Not to say Sucker screws it up, exactly. But I expected something more than this when I first saw it in 1998. The idea of a vampire contracting the aids virus sounded a bit more taboo way back then, so, of course I had certain expectations for this film that weren't exactly met. But have recently given it a rewatch. And despite still being a tad underwhelming, it really is a fun little film.

Sucker: The Vampire focuses on the growing friendship of a vampire and his awkward henchman. A friendless loser, and raging Necrophiliac named Reed, who vaguely resembles a werewolf but isn't one. Just a tool, really. He seems to want to be Anthony's buddy pretty bad, but of course the brooding creature of the night isn't interested. He just needs him to dispose of the corpses of the hot young ladies that he sucks dry on a nightly basis. which is the perfect job for Reed, being that he gets to stick it to them good before sending them to their final resting place.

Once Anthony catches the aids and seeks advice from his dimwitted henchman, Reed is there for his master like a real friend should be. Although, he's a bit concerned that the may also have aids, now, due to all the corpse loving he does, which leads to an awkward little scene between the two where Anthony gets all huffy and self righteous when he learns of his henchman's fetish. But slowly, they form a warm friendship as Anthony lets his guard down along with his immune system. Bonding over aids, so to speak. And Reed proves to be a true friend to Anthony until the bitter end.

One of the many overlooked Troma movies to come out of the 90's, Sucker is a pretty cool Horror comedy. Although, it could have stood to be a little less silly and a little more surreal which is what I expected for some reason. The premise alone is funny enough without so many attempts at goofy humor. However, this movie's attempt at making AIDS funny without making fun of those who have AIDS is accomplished rather well. Sucker is nothing mindblowing, but for those Troma fans who think they've seen it all, here's a little gem you might have missed. 4/10

The 90's was an awkward time for the Horror genre. The first few years, especially. Attempts at originality had about the same effect on the audience as uncalled for sequels to 80's franchises that had already ran their course. For one reason or another, the Horror genre had once again fallen dormant. But there was one Horror masterpiece that would come out of the 90's which would transcend the decade, as well as breath new life into the genre. Jason Goes To Hell is not that movie!

While technically, this film is Friday The 13th part IX, officially, the series was over due to copyright issues. This as the beginning of a new series. Even in the 90's, Jason must live on. Original creator Sean Cunningham returns to give us F-13 fans something a little different. And why not? It's a new decade. The way of the 80's slasher is old and tired. Everyone knew that in 1993. So, something different is definitely in order. But this? Come on! Really?

Last time we saw our hero, Jason Voorhees was in Manhattan, practically killing anyone he could get his hands on. Does anyone know how long ago that was? Or what he's been up to since? And most importantly, why he's still alive? No? Well, so far, it feels like a genuine Friday the 13th movie. And besides, these minor details don't matter much since Jason just got blown up by the F.B.I. And we're not even 10 minutes in! No. This is no typical F-13. This time, they're thinking outside the box. And maybe that would be a good thing if they hadn't just blown up the only reason anyone wanted to see this abomination in the first place.

So, yeah. Jason's dead for realz, this time. As his remains get examined in the morgue, something strange is happening to the examining doctor. Something evil, which can be seen in his face. What we are now seeing is one more example of the fact that our hero, Jason Voorhees can never be stopped. Even after death, even after getting blown to pieces, he still keeps coming back. But without a body of his own, he has willed his own soul into the body of this doctor. You can tell because he just took a big bite out of Jason's heart, which made sparkly stuff (Jason's soul) invade his body. So, Jason's back. Just in another form. Clever, right?

Something we never knew about Jason. When necessary, he can simply make his soul jump from body to body. So, he never really dies. 9 movies and somehow, this is just now becoming clear? Well, whatever. There is a catch. Even if nobody kills him again, he only has a limited amount of time in each body. So, he's gonna do his killing and spare a few here and there so, he can transfer his sparkly soul into new bodies. Eventually, the origin of Jason's alleged immortality is explained, which leads to more plot holes than ever.

These movies actually made some sense before now. But no longer. Jason has a sister, a niece and a great niece, and for him to finally be resurrected as a guy wearing a hockey mask, he must make one of their bodies his own. Hopefully, someone can get a hold of the Voorhees dagger. Because apparently, stabbing him with that is the one and only thing that will send Jason to Hell and keep him there. But of course it has to be someone who is related to him. Something tells me all those F- 13 fans who wanted something different are feeling pretty silly right about now.

But not quite as silly as the person who's idea it was to add this new take on Jason. Not a bad idea. Just not for an already established series such as this. It just doesn't make sense on a completely different level than anything from past entries. And not to mention this weird new take only allowed about 10 minutes of screen time for Kane Hodder. That's what really killed this one. in my opinion. Maybe such major changes would have been a little easier digested had they been allowed to call it "Friday The 13th Part IX: Jason Goe To Hell". It really is a shame they couldn't have. Would it have really mattered in the end? Doubtful. This one just wasn't meant to be. Jason Goes To Hell may have meant to breath new life into this series. But ultimately, it sent Friday The 13th straight to hell. 4/10

I had heard about this one for a long time. An LBP masterpiece backed by Troma that was meant to be "The ultimate LBP/Teenape film", but somehow, for some reason, ended up being a film which Seaver and Lloyd Kaufman would rather us all not see and just forget about. The only words to come to mind after reading this is WHY, WHY and WHY???

OK. So, Everything I always heard about this for the years that it wasn't released is that it didn't end up as much of an LBP film Not even a regular one, much less the ultimate one. Apparently, Uncle Lloyd had too much of a say in what went on during production, or something and it lacked the usual LBP magic. Yeah? Big deal. Kaufman is awesome, so, who cares? The film still features the long awaited return of Teenape, right? Tons of returning characters. Right? stupid, outrageous humor. Right? So, it couldn't possibly be so bad that it's not even worth releasing... Right??? Wrong!

After 4 years of nothing, Teenape Vs. The Monster Nazi Apacalypse would finally be released on a Troma DVD with 2 other movies. Which gives a good indication of how important it is to Troma. Last I heard, Seaver & Troma both didn't want it to see the light of day, but the fans finally got their wish.

After 4 years of reading about this movie and slowly getting my hopes down, I recently decided too buy the Troma triple feature which included this once lost LBP anti-masterpiece. Cuz, let's be honest. It was gonna happen sooner or later, and like I said. I just had to see for myself.

So, in this ultimate LBP disappointment, we begin in 1945 with one of the most intelligence insulting stories Seaver has ever thrown at us. So far, we're off to a good start. The Paranormal Investigation Agency (PIA), which includes LBP favorite Leo De Champ, along with Marge, Thunder Ambrosia, Deathbone, & a returning Mr. Bonejack, all on a mission to Destroy Hitler (played by Josh Suire). A successful mission, as Hitler is indeed killed. However, Hitler's right hand henchwoman retained some of his DNA, and has vowed to bring him back to life to finish what he started. 65 years later, the surviving members of the PIA must once again deal with this trouble maker. But unlike last time, they got Teenape on their side. Which may or may not be a good thing...

Well, that was just sad! It's like this big story with a much bigger budget than normal and tons of returning characters. Reading about this unfortunate movie, it really does sound like the ultimate Seaver epic. But the humor was toned WAY down. The wacky randomness was simply not there. Not even a trace of it. And it seemed as if the actors just didn't wanna be there and were merely spitting out the lines they were being paid (?) to say. I can't believe this film was written and directed by Chris Seaver. But I can now see why he wouldn't want anyone to see it. Cuz it does sound like something worth getting excited about if you're into LBP. But it would turn out to be nothing but a disappointment. This movie has no soul. Teenape isn't even an ass hole. I can imagine Troma ruined this film the same way Hollywood is gonna ruin the Toxic Avenger remake. I guess that's justice for ya.

On the introduction, Kaufman doesn't even get the damn title right. He refers to it as "Teenape Meets The Nazi Moster Holocaust", which should give you guys an indication as to what he thinks of it. Not a completely worthless movie, but if you've never seen a Chris Seaver flick, do not let this one be your first. Let it be your last, if anything. 3/10

Oh, wow! You have gotta be kiddin' me. What did I do to deserve such priceless B-entertainment? Sure, as a porno, this is an absolute embarrassment to the genre. And anyone who had anything at all to do with it deserves a kick in the ass. But whatever. That was hilarious!

Now,I'm not sure this was meant to be THAT ridiculous. because self aware B-movies isn't really something that we saw too much way back in the early 70's. Which only leads me to one conclusion. Everyone was on something. And a lot of it. Most likely alcohol. Otherwise, you'd think it woulda at least occurred to someone they this project shoulda been aborted. Cuz it clearly wasn't working... Or was it.

So, what we have here is an extremely unnatractive, middle-aged, married couple, taking turns making pathetic attempts at performing oral sex on each other, while one berates the other. And that's pretty much it. And obviously, our fine cast was also a bit tipsy. Tipsy enough to not be in the mood. or maybe they just weren't that into each other/ Yeah. Thsat's probably it.

And then there was Bat Pussy. she's... I don't know what the hell's going' on there. Just an incredibly sad attempt at parodying s duper hero. At some point in the movie, Bat Pussy rides her bouncy ball across "Gotham City", all the way to the love nest of the unfortunate married couple, only to get plowed by the still limp husband while the ugly wife bitches about it. She eventually joins in, but nothing comes of it. It's probably for the best.

So, like I said. Wow! This certainly wouldn't be fit for someone who's lookin' for an even remotely decent porno, but if you're lookin' for a so bad, it's good type film that makes absolutely no sense, you just might find it worthy of a watch. If not hilarious. Just don't forget the alcohol! 2/10

I have not a clue as to why Troma would set half a dozen DVD release dates for this film, which would come and go with nothing. Not a single explanation given. Just another release date. After a year of being jerked around, I was convinced that this film couldn't possibly be worth this kind of wait. But finally, the real release date came, and I finally got to see Father's Day! And I'd just like to say that I was dead wrong. Father's Day was definitely worth the wait.

Considering the worthlessness we've seen outta Troma the last few years, I'd say acquiring Father's Day was the smartest move they've made in forever. Father's Day is simply amazing! In what begins as a slightly less than normal, yet serious crime-drama, slowly becomes an outrageous, and often insane homage to the B-cinema of the good old days. Thankyou Astron-6. And thankyou Troma for making a wise decision

It seems as if there's a killer out there that fancy's raping dads. Chris Fuchman is the Father's Day Killer. And Ahab is the man who sets out to end him. But it won't be easy. Especially since the only help this ex-convict has is his prostitute sister, an eager priest, and a disgruntled teen hustler named Twink. Together, they just might be able to put this rape-happy Fuchman fellow in his place. On the way, these characters give us the most epic B-movie experience in Troma history. And when it's all over, and the dust settles, it is no longer the same film it once was.

This film has it all! Sleazy characters, gore, stupid, yet subtle humor, grainy screen quality, and incest. Like I said. Father's Day has it all. Over the last decade, I've seen a lot of these old school B- movie throwbacks. Stuff like I Spit Chew On Your Grave, Jessicka Rabid, and the truth is, nothing of the kind that I've seen can compete with this magnificent film. As far as pseudo-Grindhouse flicks go, it don't get no better than this! 7/10

Here's one of my favorite Women In Prison flicks. Hell Fire On Ice aka Sweet Sugar was directed by the genius who brought us Werewolves On Wheels. And after viewing both multiple times, over the years, I'd say Sweet Sugar is as good of a Women In Prison flick as the other one is a Werewolf/Biker flick. In other words, this movie rocks!

Hell Fire On Ice is a touching, thought-provoking, often humorous look into the troubled life of a head-strong hooker named Sugar. After being set up by a corrupt politician, and instead of going to prison, our lovely heroine ends up serving 2 years at a Costa Rican, sugar cane plantation. The feisty Sugar isn't above a little back-breaking labor, beatings, and other forms of cruelty, but what she's about to find out is that the guy that runs the place, the sadistic Dr. John, subjects the prisoners to cruel medical experiments. Sooner or later, it might be wise for sweet Sugar to make friends with some of these ornery gals, and break out of this hell hole. And to think. All this just for marijuana possession!

Silly dialogue, Over-the -top performances, and stupid humor make Hell Fire On Ice a riot. Just like every other Women In Prison flick I've come across, Hell Fire On Ice offers enough comical bickering and random nudity to go around. A trashy good time. Not necessarily one of my all-time favorite B-movies or anything like that, but well worth at least one viewing, that is, if chicks & schlock is what you like. And if you're all about chicks behind bars, you'll be needing to see Women's Prison Massacre asap. Perhaps a double-feature is in order. To my knowledge, there's still no DVD available, so I hope you have a vcr! 5/10

Ever get tired of the same old run-of-the-mill, watered-down 80's slashers, like Friday The 13th and My Bloody Valentine? Perhaps you're in the mood for something a little more gritty. A little more obscure. And a helluva lot more gruesome. Nightmare At Shadow Woods will more than likely not disappoint. It took a while for me to locate this one, but this turned out to be one of those rare occasions where the search ended successfully, as we're looking at more than enough schlock and harsh killings to go around, and yes! The gore flows like... well, gore! Our latest Floridian adventure starts out at a Jacksonville Drive-In. There's these twins. Terry and Todd. They eventually wander away from mom and mom's boyfriend. I guess they're not too interested in the movie (The House That Cried Murder). Anyway, one of them randomly goes nuts on a couple teenagers. Going nuts isn't always the end of the world. But when said twin is holding an axe, it kinda is. For the now dead teenagers, as well as the twin who got sent away. And well, as for the twin who got to stick around, that's another story for another day. Of course, years later, killer-twin escapes, and of course all hell breaks loose. You may think things are gonna go one way. Then again, maybe you won't. Either way, you're in for some twists. It really is a shame how so many inferior slashers of the 80's gained so much notoriety (not to mention an obscene amount of sequels), while the more ferocious slashers, for the most part, are yet to be discovered. If you're lookin' for a good 80's Florida Gore double-feature, you may want to pair this one up with Nightmare In A Damaged Brain for a night of true quality Horror. Nightmare In A Damaged Brain is getting an official DVD release, this summer, and I definitely think the same treatment for Nightmare At Shadow Woods is long over due. My advice would be to get the VHS. Either way, Nightmare At Shadow Woods is a worthwhile hidden gem. And if you dig quality, you should have no issues. 7/10

It doesn't take a genius, or a saint to realize that rape is wrong. Whether the victim is among the living or otherwise, it just ain't cool. But are there any rules pertaining to the undead? Apparently not. Or if there are, certain individuals in this film aren't the least bit concerned. Written by the legendary Trent Haaga, Deadgirl is An utterly tasteless story about two high school chums who go off playing hookie, and drinking, ending up at an old, abandoned mental hospital. Said chums soon make a shocking discovery in one of the rooms. A dead chick tied to a table. It doesn't take long for these two genius' to figure out that she's not dead, after all. That's right! Undead. So, I guess that would make this a zombie flick, wouldn't it? An original Zombie flick. A very, very mean-spirited zombie flick. It doesn't take nearly as much effort as it should have for the bad kid to talk the wuss into not telling anyone about their new discovery... So that they can just stop by now & then (every day) for a quickie, at the expense of their undead new friend. That's not that weird, right? Wrong! Very weird, and very wrong! In other words, this movie is hilarious. I'm glad some people can see that the living dead sub-genre could use a little reinventing, from time to time. And don't get the idea that Deadgirl is just a film about rape. It's also an intriguing character-study. A coming-of-age movie. A much deeper story than one would first assume. With plenty of dark humor never too far behind. So, if you're bored with all the same old predictable Horror patterns that's been around for many a decade, you may find this particular one to be original, and quite refreshing. Deadgirl offers not one dull moment, and is no doubt a future cult classic. I'd recommend giving Deadgirl a chance as soon as possible. 6/10

Ya know. A lot of people have their own ideas of what a bad movie really is. Most go through life, care free, assuming the worst of the worst would be box-office disappointments like Gigli or Glitter. Stuff that they've actually heard about. Or some just consider what they don't enjoy to be bad. But my fellow veteran bad movie lovers know better. Then again, maybe they don't. Maybe just a select few. The few that dig the B-movie badness enough to search high and low for the stuff that is just too overwhelmingly bad for your normal bad movie lover. Well, I think I've recently found the ultimate in bad cinema. This is what true, untampered with bad looks like. This is beyond anything most bad movie lovers/haters have ever seen. This is Night Of Horror.

There's another film out there which is far superior (yet, still pretty terrible), yet strangely similar called Curse Of The Screaming Dead aka Curse Of The Cannibal Confederates, which was made by the same people just a year or so after this one. From what I've heard, Night Of Horror is sort the rough draft for that. So, basically, four people head out to a cabin in the West Virginia mountains, until their camper breaks down. Now stranded on what used to be a Civil War battlefield, a ghost tells them a really boring war story while we the viewer are treated to footage of a Civil War reenactment. The ghost wants these people to help him out for some reason. he really should have spoke up, because I really have no idea what this guy was after.

I've always maintained the belief that no matter how bad a film is, I can always think of a shot-on-video flick from the mid-80's (Blood Lake) that is far worse. I do believe my theory has once and for all been shattered. However, I must admit Night Of Horror does have that distinct atmosphere I was hoping for. Just a few seconds in and it becomes quite obvious exactly how low budget this little beauty is. I just love that unfitting piano music that lets you know what kinda backwards obscurity you've stumbled upon. And the faded washed out look of the screen only confirms this. Ultimately, I approve of this film because it really seems like something I would have rented as a kid, and developed a nostalgic attachment. Forever biased.

I don't know what to tell ya other than you'll either despise it, or find it fascinating, possibly hypnotizing, due to its unbelievable level of dream-like badness. I'd put my money on the first scenario. I can think of a lot better films I've seen that I liked a lot less, so, I very well can't call Night Of Horror the worst film ever made. But I'd imagine a lot of my fellow bad movie connoisseurs out there would beg to differ. Mainly, cuz there is nothing good about Night of Terror, and it offers you nothing. Because it is nothing. But I can't very well be hatin' on Night Of Horror. That's right. I'm a fan... Hey! Don't look at me like that. I never said I should be taken seriously. 4/10

Jessicka Rabid will most likely be my last awesome B-Horror discovery of 2011. And what a way to end the year. This movie's about a bunch of incestuous, white trash cousins, all shackin' up together, with the half-retarded mute (?), Jessica as their neglected pet. At first, it seems as if she's a victim, being held there against her will, but they take her places, sometimes, and sorta acknowledge her as a member of the family.

Yet, there's also the parts where they cage her up, simply cuz it's more convenient. Now that I think about it, she's definitely a victim, too, considering all the rapings and beatings. I mean they hose her down, from time to time, & they give her plenty of dogfood & whatnot, so, it's not like she's got it THAT bad. But being that Jessica's too slow to know good treatment from bad, she's oblivious to any treatment that might not be considered favorable. But ain't it funny how a little rabies can change everything? I gotta tell ya, I haven't been even remotely excited by anything Troma's come out with in forever. They done good, this time. I found every second of this movie to be beyond entertaining. The first thing I noticed was the quality of the film. The movie is shot grainy, fuzzy, purposefully out of focus in parts. It's got the old school look down, perfect. Which compliments the tone of the movie more than I can express.

Jessicka Rabid is as good of a modern old school B-Horror throwback as I've seen. Not a lot of the circumstances are explained, and the movie never tries too hard to be something special. And in doing so, it actually succeeds in being quite special. This is a mean-spirited film, with little to no retribution in sight. With just enough subtle dark humor thrown in to make it enjoyable. Not to mention, plenty of gore, depravity & incest to go around. Starring the legendary Trent Haaga. So, any Haaga freaks will definitely be diggin' this one. And keep in mind, sometimes Troma manages to come through. And this is absolutely one of those times. So, do yourself a favor and check this little beauty out. You won't regret it, friend. 8/10

That score! That dialogue! That awkward pointlessness! What in hell happened here? In similar situations, I usually half-jokingly say "I don't even want to know". But in this case, I really, really wanna know! For whatever reason this movie ended up like it did, it was definitely intentional. It didn't take a long time to figure that out. Somehow, that doesn't take away at all from how completely insane and random this movie is! It's like Troll 2, or Horror House On Highway Five, with maybe a little Zombie '90 thrown in. Exactly! That's the kinda odd I'm talking' about, here. Which makes me wonder How in the hell could I have gone as long as I did without seeing it? That's the part that gets me the most. And by the way, I adore this film. Mainly because I can watch it a thousand times and still have no idea what's going on. Now, that's what I call rewatch value! Whilst searching for next awesome B-movie for my collection, this is the kinda thing I'm always hoping to eventually unearth. It rarely happens, which makes it all the more satisfying once it does. Such a disasterpiece, that Things truly is a masterpiece. A masterpiece of the odd, the surreal, and the confusing. Why can't Troma ever release stuff like this? I'm gonna watch this movie so many times, it ain't even funny! And not to mention the recently released DVD offers two audio commentary tracks. There's gotta be something in one of those which offers some sort of an explanation. Although, if there isn't, somehow, I won't be surprised. If you like 'em bad in all the right ways, this confused Super-8 epic is nothing short of a beautiful experience... Oh! And yeah. I did notice how I said absolutely nothing about a plot. Trust me. It makes no difference. 10/10

The First rule, or what should be the first rule of the Jungle Gore genre is, if you're not Italian, butt out! Because chances are good you're only gonna embarrass yourself. Especially you, Jess Franco. Yet, I've never seen Lina Romay in one of these epics, so, maybe we should give ol' Franco a pass, this time. I mean, just look at her! And if you must know, White Cannibal Queen is not even the worst of the Jongle Gore epics. I mean, I'm pretty sure it was got for quite a while, but in case you didn't know, in 2003, Bruno Mattei would finally work up the nerve to try his hand at this, and the shot-on-video travesty called Cannibal Holocaust 2: The Beginning was born. And considering Mattei was Italian, well, that's just ridiculous! Just sayin'. Either way, if you didn't absolutely despise Cannibal Terror, then maybe you won't consider White Cannibal Queen as repulsive as most do. Me? I liked it! This movie is about a family who are out on the "Amazon river" are attacked by savages. The young daughter, kidnapped. The wife, eaten. years later, Dr. Taylor returns to this jungle, in hopes of finding his now-grown daughter. Unfortunately, things don't go quite as expected. But then again, when do things ever go smoothly when Cannibals are involved? But these guys shouldn't put up too much of a fight, being that they're the most fake-looking cannibals in Jungle Gore history. This is just sad. Some of them are even white! Just a pathetic movie, in general. However, considering Lina Romay & a rather groovy score, White Cannibal Queen is OK in my book! Yet, if you got any schlock-pride at all, you'll just go for something of quality like Cannibal Ferox, and call it a day. 6/10

I should probably start off by pointing out that if you're one of those who considers a movie like Taxi Driver to be "violent", "gruesome", or "out of hand" in any way, you may want to skip Hobo With A Shotgun. In fact, you may want to forget you ever heard of this ferocious new school masterpiece. But for the rest of you. Those whose appreciate Exploitation from decades past, will no doubt fall in love.

So, Rutget Hauer plays a hobo/drifter, who's unknowingly hitched a ride on a train straight to Hell. Or at least a similar place. I'd imagine Hell having more rules. This awful town is run by a bloodthirsty killer/crime boss, who basically owns the police department to the point that this man can just take anyone out in the street and brutally murder them, in front of anyone, and no consequences! This town is full of hookers, junkies, killers, and just about any kind of lowlife you could think of. meanwhile Rutger is getting pretty steamed, just sitting there, observing this awful place, while begging for change. He was going to use the money to buy a lawn mower, but perhaps a shotgun would be more useful, considering the man is just seconds away from snapping. And let me tell ya, when some people snap, they really really snap. It ain't gonna be purdy! In My opinion, this movie is as good as it gets! Hobo With A Shotgun is some beautiful, modern exploitation. Which is rare, these days. I can't think of anything I didn't love about this one. I can usually rewatch a lot of my favorites, over & over again. But sometimes, I come across one that I feel should only be saved for the rarest of occasions. Hobo With A Shotgun is most definitely one of them. Undisputed proof that Exploitation is alive and well. 7/10

If you ever get tired of the same old, traditional Zombie flicks like Dawn Of The Dead, and pretty much anything from the criminally overrated George Romero, I'd suggest giving up the mainstream stuff indefinitely, because you're not gonna find it there. If you're looking for an original Zombie flick, and you don't mind a low budget. you've found it. This is Zombies Anonymous!

Nowadays, when you die, your soul no longer leaves your body. Harsh, but true. A chick named Angela is right in the middle of a fight with her boyfriend, is hoping this hotheaded young man doesn't go off and shoot her, because she's really not into the whole living dead thing. Because if she doesn't survive, this new lifestyle will most definitely be in her future... So, anyway. now that Angela's undead, she's stuck in a world that's afraid of her. A world that hates her. A world that gives her very few options. For example, getting/holding a job will be almost impossible. And there's this whole thing where Angela feels incredible pain if she goes long enough without eating human flesh. She can pretend to be a regular person all she wants. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but without Human flesh, functioning is almost impossible.

While being over-the-top, gruesome, and dark-humored, Zombies Anonymous has quite a deep, semi-touching story, which seems to be about adapting to a new way of life. Well, that and discrimination. Reflecting how people fear, and ultimately hate what they don't understand. If you end up diggin' Zombies Anomymous, I'd highly recommend a film from the same director, called Strange Things Happen At Sundown. One Of The Best Vampire flicks I've come across. This Marc Fratto guy is one of the few bright spots in B-cinema over the last decade, and I look forward to anything else he comes up with. In case you've ever heard about a micro-budget, shot-on-video from the 90's called Shatter Dead, Zombies Anonymous is basically a ripoff of that one. at least the basic idea is. Ultimately, this one blows Shatter Dead away, gore-wise, creativity-wise, & entertainment-wise. you can't compare the two. However, I'd recommend you check out both of them. Zombies Anonymous obviously isn't the traditional Zombie story. And I hardly see that as a bad thing. 8/10

Up until just a few years ago, I wasn't at all familiar with the work of Bruno Mattei (aka Vincent Dawn). Everything I ever heard about him told me he was just about the worlds worst filmmaker. A 3rd rate Lucio Fulco, if you will. But then, one day, I saw Hell Of The Living Dead. Sure, a terrible movie, but entertaining as all hell. Personally, I'd rather watch this than a boring old Fulci or an overrated Romero. Without getting too specific, I'd say Mattei left quite a first impression on me. I've seen several of his films since then, but none of which were half as entertaining as this (ripped-off) Goblin-scored disasterpiece. But recently, all that changed. Because I saw Women's Prison Massacre.

Besides being my new favorite Mattei movie, Women's Prison Massacre would also introduce me to the world of Emanuelle. While not an official entry in the Emnuelle series, at the same time, who cares? Her name is Emanuelle in the movie, so, that's that. Anyway. This time, Emanuelle has found herself behind bars, in a prison run by a sadistic warden and her equally sadistic guards. Plus, there's a rather scary prison bully who has it in for her. And by that, I mean she tries to torture Emanuelle every chance she gets. Taking care of that one shouldn't be a problem, but when the death-row boys show up, that's when the real chaos begins. Not exactly a gore-fest, like the title may suggest. While there's plenty of violence, the true beauty of this one is the schlock. Mainly the ridiculously random one-liners. This movie will really make you think.

Well, this one certainly caught me off guard. The acting/dialogue is is inept to the point of being outlandish. Personally, I've always found a lot of Italian Horrors to be on the dull side. Not this time. Not a dull moment to be had. There's either someone yelling, arguing, killing, or just getting it on. Like I said, Never a dull moment. And if Women's Prison Massacre gives you the Emanuelle-fever, I'd imagine you'd appreciate Joe D'Amato's Emanuelle And The Last Cannibals. If cheesy Italian Horror is what you're after, it couldn't possibly get any better than this one. I was never much of a women in prison kinda guy until Bruno Mattei's Women's Prison Massacre made me a believer. 10/10

Some people seem to think that if you've seen one 80's slasher, you've seen them all. Not only is that not true, but the mere thought makes me chuckle. And when you see Don't Go In The Woods, you'll see what I mean. The thing is, you got your good slashers, your bad slashers, awful slashers, and so bad they're good slashers. Then, there's stuff like this. Don't Go In The Woods is one of those rare breeds of Horror. The ones that have an amazing amount of inept qualities, to the point that it may be a spoof. Then again, perhaps not. Hard to tell. It's astonishing movies like that that really makes watching bad Horror films so worthwhile. Well, the first thing I noticed about Don't Go In The Woods is the score that goes back & forth from depressing to nerve-racking. I don't know what they were thinking. The discomfort is a small price to pay for the fun that's to be had. Such as some mountain man (with what looks like a bicycle chain wrapped around his face) walking around the Utah mountains slashing idiotic campers. Some of which aren't even using their own voice. Nothing complicated about it. Just terrible acting, confusing dialogue, and ridiculous people being slaughtered for no reason. What exactly happened to make this film so confusing & just flat out strange, is a mystery to me. Aside from the alleged unintentional humor, Don't Go In The Woods is also a rather harsh Horror movie, with some pretty ferocious killings. So, it looks like you're all set, as I couldn't possibly think of any other qualities that matter for an 80's slasher. Looking for a good "unintentional or not?" double feature? Well, pair this one up with The Last Slumber Party. You won't regret it. 8/10