Reviews

"Universal Soldier: The Return" are not a bad movie- it's beyond bad, the fact is that it don't exist any word or sentence on any language on this planet that can be used to describe how bad it is. It also breaks the law of relativity because a movie this bad should have collapsed in on it self and formed a black hole by now. Why did the bosses on the movie company when some guy came by and asked them for some money to do a movie with cocaine-brain Jean-Claude Van Damme- with no story, bad actors, a wrestler and some badly staged action sequences, just told him to get lost.

This is the "Battlefield Earth" of mini series. It has with a few exceptions, all the disastrous ingredients that doomed that movie and will follow it to the grave in the turkey cemetery. They are both adaptations of books with a endless amount of pages who has been turned to a complete mess by a script writer and a director (In this case they are the same person.) who clearly don't know what they are doing, they have both a messiah wannabe that don't really deliver, as a hero (Played in this case by a guy that looks like Mark Hamill but sadly the force is not with him.) and a bunch of stupid bad guys who likes to betray and mess up the life for each other, they are both containing scenes stolen from better productions and they are both cheap productions who tries to look expensive with some (often badly made) computer animation. The exceptions that actually makes the whole thing worse is the terrible work made by the lighting guy who don't even have the skills to turn on the light in his own living room, the camera work that for no reasons at all sometimes are in tilted "Battlefield Earth" mode but for the most of the time are flat as a pancake, the extremely cheap and to small desert set that only contents a pile of sand in the front of a backdrop painted as a desert, that turns very old very fast because it appears in almost every scene, and the bad idea by the costume designer to try to mimic "The fifth element"'s fashion madness with the addition of the silliest hats ever made. Silly moments to remember: 1. Every scene with the guild guys, who looks like MST3K's observer guys but with silly hats. 2. Irulan shows up at the party dressed in her butterfly dress (Why butterflys? -was the one with stuffed parrots in the cleaner?) with matching silly hat, together with a couple of guys with silly balloon hats. 3. Paul the stand-up comedian. 4. Baron Harkonnen in over acting overdrive, screaming "I,m alive". 5. Every Scene with the backdrop, because it newer fits the foreground 6. Every scene with the Fremen's fake religious cermonies, specially the "water of life" cermony. 7. The battle scenes where the same guys gets killed a couple times and the same things explodes over and over again. It is a lot more but it is a 1000 words limit on this so i better stop before i gets carried away.

"Battlefield Earth" is not the worst movie ever done but it is bad on its own unique, personal and uncomparable way that made me when the end credits started, just sit there in the front of the screen, and wonder what it was i just saw. We have all heard about the neck breaking tilted camera, the stolen scenes from better movies, the 1000 year old jet planes and the extremely stupid aliens so i will not go further with that. The thing i really wants to point out, is that nobody involved in the making of this movie seems to know how to tell a story. When the movie begins it just starts, and that in the middle of something, with no character presentation or anything who gives the audience any chance to understand who this people that all of a sudden appeared in front of them, are. -and then it goes on like this- things just happens and characters just appears from nowhere, and that until a rebellion all of a sudden begins and the movie mercifully ends. Another thing i wants to mention is the painful, ear killing sound track. Elia Cmiral who did the wonderful music to "Ronin", are here involved in an experiment to find out if it is possible that a symphony orchestra can emulate a nuclear weapon. I found it by some reason, impossible to lower the sound on my Tv-set, because every time i did, the sound track added a megaton, went BOOOOM and almost wiped out my living room. The good thing about the movie is that it is not boring, like all real turkeys- it will make you laugh but buy your self a couple ear plugs before you watch it.

Take the script for "Scream" and the script for "I know what you did last summer.", put them in a blender and turn it on for some minutes, then let a hypnotist convince you that you are Dario Argento and finally fill your head with a large amount of LSD so you lose all your critical and logical thinking, and your brain leaves the room and flies away to some distant planet. When you have done all this you can start to make a movie from the content in the blender. When you wakes up you will find that the movie you made is "Urban legends"- a scary movie who are only scary on that planet your brain was on. "Urban legends" are a rare collection of things you seen in better movies, with "scary" scenes who falls dead on the floor, and a big plot twist that anybody who not are blind, deaf or stupid beyond help, can see coming light years away. The scene in the end when Rebecca Gayhart goes nuts, stops her non acting routine and turns on the overacting overdrive could be used in acting classes all over the world as an extreme example on what a case of severe overacting looks like. A last thing- is it possible that a ordinary person who has been shot two times, has fallen from the second floor, has gone head first trough a windshield on a car and has fallen from a very high bridge down in a river, has any chance to survive and that without any kind of medical attention?

When i saw this documentary some time ago, i found it really irritating. It is in many parts Odette Springer's annoying tribute to Odette Springer with it's to many "i'm-a-extremely-fantastic-and-talented-person-but-nobody-understands-it" scenes. What makes it more annoying is that Springer looks down on the people she wants to depict (Except Maria Ford who is "a-extremely-fantastic-and-talented-person-but-nobody-understands-it".) and sometimes steps on them. It is also filled with faked documentary scenes like the ridiculous scene where Springer looks at a violent video and gets "excited" what leads us to the scene that gave me a bade taste in my mouth- in the end of the movie tries Odette Springer to find a reason to why she got "excited" when she saw the violent video and from the clear blue sky the truth falls over her (and the poor audience)- all of a sudden she remembers that she was subjected to sexual abuse by her grand parents. What makes me feel bad about that scene is that she don't presents any real evidence and that the grand parents both are dead so they don't have any chance to defend themselves from the accusation.

Stop me if you heard this before- A small group of people in a remote isolated place, encounters a strange alien being who begins to take over their bodies and... oh you have heard it- okay- how but this- A small group of people goes in to a deep forest to investigate a strange phenomena. They gets lost in the woods and are soon being chased by some unknown... okay- you have heard that too. Okay- this is simply "The Blair witch project" and "The thing" mixed together with the help of some "dogma-we-shakes-the-camera-until-it-falls-apart-because-we-are-not-American " type of film making who makes it look like the camera sometimes are hanging from the neck of a psychotic kangaroo with a severe drinking problem. The movie is a very good example on what happens when a couple of people with no original ideas makes a movie. A tip- buy a tripod.

After all the praises that says that this movie is god's gift to mankind I can only say one thing- it's boring. The problem is that a fifty minutes "twilight zone"-story has been stretched to almost two dull hours. The actors was good but they played characters who most of the time had nothing to do except being boring and the guy with the camera did not seem to know what kind of movie he was lensing so he tried everything. It had potential but it did not make it.

A boring night i was zapping thru the satellite channels. When i came to Norwegian channel 3 my yaw dropped to the floor with a loud bang, then i started to laugh and didn't stop until the end credits. This must be the silliest so called movie i ever have seen. The whole thing just screams "we have no money to do this but we are going to do it anyway." and the story is not a story, it's a single plot point "some ants eats some guys". The so called script is heavily based on the idea that it's impossible to run from ants so when the ants (the black dots with legs) attacks, the characters just stands in a corner and screams until they are eaten. This is really one of those so-bad-it's-funny movies where nobody involved in the making never understood how bad the whole idea was until it was to late, so i recommend it to everybody who likes bad movies.

Okay- here we go again. Here is another one of those overlong unthrilling thrillers from SVT Drama and scriptwriters Lars Bill Lundholm and Thomas Borgström. The ingredients are all the same as the others, a plot that going nowhere, ideas stolen from much better productions, lines written on some weird version of the swedish language, actors that don't act, they just standing around like statues and talks like parrots, a director that don't doing anything and a photographer who works very hard to take nice pictures but don't cares what's in them. The so called story this time are about industrial espionage and a "green" car engine, but because the scriptwriters have a zero research approach to the whole subject, it desintegrates wery fast to a confusing mess. Characters and plot points appears from nowhere and then disappears whitout a trace. All the characters, from the irritating main character Anna (A wery anoying Gunilla Johansson.) to the stone faced hitman Brockman, are more or less stupid and they are doing stupid things like letting top secret information laying around in the wide open so it can be stolen by some other stupid character. I don't know why they keeping on doing those completely hopeless series (This time it looked like they decided to film the content of the scriptwriters garbage can.) but i hope they one day will learn what a thriller is. The ideas in the story was this time stolen from: Aliens, The Terminator, Universal Soldiers, The Godfather and some others.